Ihave had my shares of challenges in my life but the most hurtful, painful and devastating experience I had was when my marriage fell apart and ended in divorce after 17 years of togetherness – not even the death of my mother was this painful. I went through so much emotional turmoil that I totally get why people try to drown their sorrows in a bottle. I also came to fully realize the thin line that exist between sane and insanity.
In the early stage I was in so much disbelief and shock. I never imagined that this could happen to me. After all my family was a poster family and my spouse and I were soul mate (at least so I thought). I truly believed my spouse and I could work through anything.
I felt like I had lost my identity because I have been married for most of my adult life. I had lost track of who I am as an individual and could not remember what it was like to function on my own. I was deeply depressed and had many bouts of anxiety attack. I did not sleep well and after a restless night when I opened my eyes I could literally see a dark cloud hanging over my head just waiting for me. Somehow I was able to hold it all together while I was out (even though there were occasionally outburst of tears in front of strangers – thank God they didn’t know me and hopefully would never see me again) but would cry my eyes out while I walk approximately 20 minutes home.
My self esteem was at an all time low. I noticed every wrinkle, my loose skin and stretch marks. I felt fat, looked fat and maybe was fat because I would try to find comfort in food. I felt so lonely, wishing someone would come and rescue me from my pain. I felt scared of being alone for the rest of my life as I doubted anyone else would want me. I felt so ashamed and like a failure that I had let my kids, my nieces, nephews and all the other people who looked up to our marriage down.
I was angry, mad, miserable and upset. I felt like life was unfair especially where the kids are concerned. I never wanted to be a single mother but here I am raising my boys on my own and he is free from his responsibilities and already in a new relationship. I felt so rejected – the same man that was so loving and kind to me now treats me with disdain and the eyes that once looked at me with love now stare at me with anger and resentment.
I blamed myself and even accepted responsibility that if I were a better wife my spouse would not have cheated on me (this was before my counsellor told me that other married couples have been through the same problem and neither of them cheated therefore I cannot take the blame). I spent days searching myself and often times wandered what I could have done to be a better wife.
I wallowed in so much self pity. I was also very angry at God for allowing this to happen to me after I believe he had sanctioned my marriage. I kept asking God if He knew this was the way my marriage would have ended why He would allow me to marry my spouse in the first place. I grew up in a single parent home and all I wanted was to experience what it is like to have a functional family. I also resented the fact that I ended up in the same boat as my mother.
This was truly a very dark, depressing, painful and lonely period of my life. Even simple activities such as taking a shower were a big chore. Crying and sleeping was my portion. I had lost all interest in shopping, going out and socializing.
I was at a very dangerous cross road and I had to decide whether I would die for the husband who had betrayed my trust or live for my children. I chose to live and will share in my next blog how I fought to regain myself.
Click here to read steps I took to weather the storms of divorce.